undefined thinking

its nice when you know you always have the place for you to spill almost everything, where you can be creative and express yourself in many ways. i’m not much of a person who talks to people about my story verbally but its nice to share things here without knowing who are my readers. would they share the same feelings as i do or would they reacted the same way i did? i’m not sure how many people really read what i write in here. its not really that i don’t care but i just don’t feel like knowing who are my readers because then i will feel obliged to write to favour them. that’s not really my intention when i started writing. although one day i might end up as a journalist and maybe a writer but for now i choose to not knowing who are my readers IF there is any. obviously there are people who reads my words and i do appreciate you guys but i sometimes prefer you to be anonymous.

i definitely need to improve on my vocabs and grammar so that there would be less grammatical error and more vocabs. i realized that my vocab isn’t that big and i just don’t know how to start it. and i haven’t yet sit for my MUET test. grrrrreattt! the thing is that i am not confident myself to take MUET cause ive forgotten how to answer such examinations. i last took my English exams was during my foundation studies where i sat for Level 6 exams. i had to pass level 6 English to allow me to sit for EPT (English Placement Test) and only if i pass my EPT i get to go to Gombak pursuing my undergraduate studies. Alhamdulillah, i passed with flying colours and i thank my lecturer because they have taught me so well at that time and also the pressure i felt i that time because i do not want to stay any longer in Nilai. i do not want to be left behind if i failed my EPT. i kinda miss that feelings that i had at that time. the drive to do things a lot better than everyone. i just seem to lost my passion in almost everything now.

i do not want to compete anymore because i am so afraid of losing.  i’m too coward to face any challenge. i no longer speak up in class and i choose to hold my thoughts at most times. i deny words of others in my heart. sometimes i even curse them for giving such nonsense arguments and trying to act as Mr/Miss-i-know-it-all. but after all everything that i said is just in my head. i just hate people who speak up in class without even do their readings and simply ask silly things that makes the lecturer to prolong the discussion. if it make sense then it would be alright but if its not then it is just a nerve breaking. sometimes, i do not want to exchange my thoughts because i think it would be an interruption to the lecturer’s flow of thoughts and if i choose to speak up in class sometimes the class has come to an end and i dont have the chance to. however, like i said, most of the time i will just hold the ideas/ questions/ doubts to myself.

sometimes i do feel like im being selfish by holding the thoughts to myself especially when i have to disagree with someone’s ideas in class. because i feel that, that person needs to know that there are someone who are just not in the same track as they are. still, i choose not to speak up most of the time and that is why i love presentation the most because i can say whatever i want to say about the subject including criticizing others’ presentation if i need more explanations or i just couldn’t agree with what they have presented about. i feel like it is more academically discussed rather than the normal discussion we use to have in class because only during presentation people are more open to be critical and do not mind to speak up.